Congratulations?

So, I received my third, genuinely enthusiastic congratulations the other day. And, for days I've been wondering why the celebratory chorus, "congratulations", and the kindness it was wrapped up in turned my stomach so.

Why am I not overjoyed, enthusiastic, excited by this event? Aren't I supposed to be all these things and more? And, why am I experiencing an almost visceral reaction to the simple celebratory word? I have yet to experience morning sickness (which is a deceiving term as it can happen any time of day - and sometimes all day!), but "congratulations" almost brought on a serious bout of it!

Although I always imagined kids in my future, I'm just not the type that has yearned to be a mommy. I know, this sounds very contradictory, but a truth nonetheless.

My only answer for you - I ran out of excuses.

Last fall, I had the near traumatic realization that I was officially in my "early 30s" and as Mr. Oh has kindly reminded me, I was now closer to 40 than I was to 20 (what a prince, non?). I then took a good look at my life - was I where I wanted to be at this age? I had no regrets and was very happy with my life. Professionally, I was do well and had just achieved the promotion I had been working towards for 4 years. I was also on the last leg of my master's degree program.

Personally, I was as happy as a fat kid eating cake: I had an awesome husband who I've known and loved for 15 years, was financial stable, living in a city I loved, and - key to living in the New York area - we lived in a spacious two bedroom apartment.

This trip down and out of the rabbit hole of my life took mere minutes and when I emerged, I realized I had no excuses left to bar us from having a family. And any excuse I came up with - like enjoying a cool, refreshing margarita on the rocks with salt on a hot summer day - were too pithy and too short-term to consider seriously.

Looking at the facts of my life - it appeared I was ready and if I didn't move forward I'd simply be bidding time and postponing the inevitable. What I didn't do at the time was consider how I felt about being pregnant and the impact it would have on my life today, for the next 9 months and the rest of my life!

Don't mistaken it, I'm not unhappy with my new situation, but I do need some time to process it all. And as I do so, I'll continue to puke in my mouth as others embrace and congratulate me!