Body voodoo

I can't complain, this pregnancy has been an easy one. Incredibly so. For the most part, I've been able to do what I've always done with the exception of a few inconveniences.

Unlike what I've heard from other pregos, I haven't had many of the "regular" symptoms of pregnancy. Heartburn has been non-existent. My breathing hasn't been compromised in anyway. Swelling of the feet and hands has been minimal, allowing me to still wear my rings and sport my heels (I have given up on my 4-inchers as I just look silly wearing high heels while sporting a dodge ball for a belly). And, I haven't experienced any illnesses - other than one major headache (which was so not fun), I have been cold and flu free.

In return for my good fortune, the gods or perhaps it's the critter within has been playing voodoo tricks on my body. There's the whole rib thing, which continues to stab me with pain at the most inconvenient times. During a round of meditation in yoga class, an imaginary knife sliced through me, causing me to break my silence and releasing a pack of concerned pregos on me to make sure I wasn't going into labor.

Then, there was the hip lock. Our shower is part of a very deep soaking tub/jacuzzi thing. I'm not a bath person, so it's more a nuisance than anything else. And, in the last couple of months, I've come to hate it. Why? Well, the only way for me to exit the shower is to lift my leg above hip height. With my massive belly and heavy limbs, this is an almost impossible feat that has almost landed me head first on the tile floor more times than I care to remember.

A couple of weeks ago, as I was trying to exit the tub after my morning shower, I had one hand tightly gripping my towel to keep it closed over my engrossed body and the other hand on the slippery tile wall. I lifted my left leg successfully over the barrier, but and as I try to straighten my leg so I could place my foot on the floor, my hip locked and rendered me paralyzed. Of course, with everything all wet, I slipped, and in straddle position, smacked my ass (and lady parts) on the rim of the tub. With all my excess weight, Mr. Oh heard the unfortunate thud and ran into the bathroom to check out the scene.

With crocodile tears streaming down my face, together we tried to pry me out of the tub. It took a couple of attempts, but I finally got out, but I had no use of my left leg - it was completely frozen in an awkward, elevated position. Unable to balance my weight on one leg, Mr. Oh half dragged me to the bed where in all my morning glory I slowly moved my leg in giant circles until my hip cracked. Thankfully, it has yet to happen again.

Then, about a month or so ago, I started experiencing this sensitivity in my left ass cheek that would stretch down to my upper thigh. Since I've pinched my sciatic nerve in the past, I figured I had done it again. So, I hobbled to my acupuncturist for some relief. Unfortunately, my pregnant state denied me the full blown acupuncture experience I've come to love. After a couple of mild sessions, my therapist informed me that my nerve isn't pinched and instead I've developed a muscle knot in my buttocks likely because I sit in a chair all day and the baby has put pressure on my sitting muscles.

So, what's the cure for an ass knot? I thought a massage of the region would do the trick. However, as my acupuncturists and several masseuse therapists have confirmed, the ass is home to many pressure points that can "stimulate" the uterus and induce labor. Now, in my 40th week, I'm all for uterus stimulation, but no one is willing to help me.

For the most part, the knot has been a mere inconvenience than an out right "pain". Most times, a little stretching usually cures the mild ache. But, last night after a vigorous walk around town (I'm desperate for labor), the knot came back with a vengeance. Every movement I've made since - from placing the slightest of pressure on my left heel to trying to turn over in bed - has left me grabbing hold of my ass cheek and yelping like a wounded dog.

I asked my OB what in the world is going on with my body. His response: it's getting ready for the big day. I can see the mild connection with the hip thing, but what in the world does my ass cheek have to do with labor?!